On grief
Three months ago I came back to writing on Substack following my dad’s death. I’d been suffering from burnout for several months. After three difficult years where I kept marvelling at how well I was coping with everything, suddenly I wasn’t. The tipping point was realising we had to move my dad into a care home and my brain shut down. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t work.
When my mum died, I was surprised at how little I grieved. I told myself I was more concerned about the living than the dead. Over the previous 10 years I had grieved as I watched a brilliant, talented, loving woman slowly lose herself as she was ravaged by Alzheimer’s and cardiovascular dementia.
After dad’s death, I found a newspaper interview with her from when she was supporting him in his bid to become an MP, which said: ‘Mrs Extance doesn’t believe in limiting her horizons to home life and her husband’s politics – for this week she is beginning lessons in German conversation’. It was so Mum. She went back to trying to learn German when she retired. She’s quoted as saying: “I think it is important to lead a full life.” And she absolutely did.
Clearing out her things, I found various writings where she tried to make sense of what was happening as she lost the ability to process what was going on around her.
The sudden diagnosis of terminal cancer was a relief. She was finally free.
After her death I was upset to find I couldn’t picture her in my mind anymore. Even when I had a photograph in front of me, I couldn’t recall her properly.
But we were in lockdown and there was much to contend with. I carried on and switched from caring for mum to caring for dad.
When he died, I expected the same experience I had after mum’s death.
That hasn’t happened. After the funeral, I started grieving. I now dream about both of them regularly. Photos seem much more real and make me cry when they didn’t before.
I’m also finding it hard not being able to talk to them. I couldn’t show them the photo of my eldest on his first day at secondary school, or tell them the children now had glasses.
There’s a perpetual feeling of loss. It hits me at some point most days.
I don’t really have a point to make except to say grief is an ongoing, unpredictable, personal process and no-one has any idea how long the experience will last.
Beautiful photos Rachel. Grief is hard, and I agree that we all experience it differently. There’s such a huge sense of loss, which makes sense since that’s what’s happened. Thank you for writing this , I’m refusing to add a ‘positive’ to this message because I don’t think you’d thank me for adding a platitude.
Thanks Andrea. And yes, no platitudes necessary.
Beautiful photos Rachel. Grief is hard, and I agree that we all experience it differently. There’s such a huge sense of loss, which makes sense since that’s what’s happened. Thank you for writing this , I’m refusing to add a ‘positive’ to this message because I don’t think you’d thank me for adding a platitude.
Thanks Andrea. And yes, no platitudes necessary.
Rachel, thank you for writing such a sensitive and honest reflection of your feelings. I’ve lost both my parents. I couldn’t imagine my life without them but now that is the case. I wish it wasn’t but grief is something we just have to learn to accept. At least there seems to be less stigma about talking about our grief these days.
Thanks for reading Ella. I don’t remember my parents talking about the grief of losing their parents and wish they could have done. I agree there is less stigma in talking about it and I think it helps others to know they are not alone.
Rachel, thank you for writing such a sensitive and honest reflection of your feelings. I’ve lost both my parents. I couldn’t imagine my life without them but now that is the case. I wish it wasn’t but grief is something we just have to learn to accept. At least there seems to be less stigma about talking about our grief these days.
Thanks for reading Ella. I don’t remember my parents talking about the grief of losing their parents and wish they could have done. I agree there is less stigma in talking about it and I think it helps others to know they are not alone.
Thanks for sharing this Rachel, I think caring for a parent with Alzheimers and/or Dementia must be so hard and really understand that relief of your Mum’s cancer diagnosis. My Mum had a longer experience with cancer, 5 years and similarly I didn’t grieve, in an obvious way, so much of my grief had been anticipatory grief, living grief. dreams too, I had vivid dreams after both parents died, but probably more so with Mum than Dad. I think that was my way of processing maybe. Grief … there’s no right way or wrong way, no pattern, no 7 stages and as you said, it’s perpetual loss 🧡
Thanks for sharing this Rachel, I think caring for a parent with Alzheimers and/or Dementia must be so hard and really understand that relief of your Mum’s cancer diagnosis. My Mum had a longer experience with cancer, 5 years and similarly I didn’t grieve, in an obvious way, so much of my grief had been anticipatory grief, living grief. dreams too, I had vivid dreams after both parents died, but probably more so with Mum than Dad. I think that was my way of processing maybe. Grief … there’s no right way or wrong way, no pattern, no 7 stages and as you said, it’s perpetual loss 🧡